From the Offbeat desk
Offbeat
The news, fully digested. Our published Offbeat stories, newest first.
97-YEAR-OLD BRITISH GRANDMOTHER OUTWORKED YOU
Betty Bromage, 97, stood on top of a moving biplane in Gloucestershire while the pilot flew a loop-the-loop, breaking the wing walking record she already held. It was her sixth wing walk, a year after a stroke, and it raised money for the hospital ward that treated her. I am not making fun of Betty. I am making fun of
LONG ISLAND WOMAN GETS WORLD'S WORST 47TH BIRTHDAY GIFT
Danielle Tammone turned 47 on September 17, walked across her Bohemia yard, and fell eight feet into an old cesspool nobody knew was under the grass. Two neighbors she'd never met heard her screaming and called 911. The firefighters who pulled her out sang her happy birthday, which is the correct move.
SOUTH KOREA IS SUSSED OUT BY A 6'11" QATARI 13 YEAR OLD
Qatar lost every group match at the Asian Volleyball Championship in Japan and still produced the only story anyone remembers. Their leading scorer is 6'11", dropped 40 points in three matches, and is listed on his official player page as 13. The joke writes itself, the federation has said nothing, and nobody has produ
BLIND MAN WITH NO LICENCE DRUNK-DROVE 150 MILES BY FOLLOWING TAILLIGHTS
A man who has been registered blind for two years and never held a licence drove his partner's car 150 miles up the M6 at 1am, steering by the tail lights of lorries in front of him. A petrol station attendant filled his tank on the way. The court's punishment includes a one year driving ban, which is doing a lot of no
220-POUND RAM NAMED RAMBO GETS FIRMLY WEDGED IN A PIPE
A 220-pound ram called Rambo got himself stuck inside a concrete pipe in Somerset, and freeing him took a fire crew, chimney rods and a hearth sheet. He came out fine and went back to the farmers. It was also the station's 200th call-out of the year, which says a lot about rural England.
FLORIDA COUPLE FINDS A SUPRISE UNDER THEIR BED
A 25-year-old who'd been told in August to stay away from a Doral hotel allegedly hopped a balcony fence, came in through the sliding door, and spent the night under a sleeping couple's bed. They found him at 7:45 a.m. The arrest affidavit says he "concealed himself stealthily," which is the best sentence any cop has t
POLICE IN FOUR COUNTRIES ARE GETTING REPORTS ABOUT THE CAT IN THE HAT
People are dressing up as a menacing Cat in the Hat, or just AI-generating him into driveway footage, and posting it. Real cops in Colorado, Ireland, the UK and Canada have had to respond. One British police force went on record to confirm Thing One and Thing Two are also not out there.
JUDGE CALLS $245 MILLION CRYPTO HEIST 'FERRIS BUELLER GONE BAD'
A 22-year-old Singaporean just pleaded guilty to a RICO conspiracy tied to a $245 million crypto theft, and the part everyone remembers is the spending. A federal magistrate heard the list of purchases and said it reminded her of Ferris Bueller gone bad. We go through the list: the $569,000 club night, the $2 million w
GIRL SCOUTS EXPAND THEIR CUSTOMER BASE
Girl Scouts announced their first cookie made for dogs. It's blueberry muffin flavored, developed with BARK, and has little patch designs baked into it. There's also a genuinely useful new allergy-friendly cookie for humans, and both are online-only, which has gone badly before.
FUGITIVE ROBS A HOUSE FOR A FIRE EXTINGUISHER, ENDS UP GETTING TASED IN THE OCEAN
A 28-year-old Ohio man wanted on robbery and strangulation warrants ran from a traffic stop in Islamorada, and somewhere in the middle of it he broke into a house and armed himself with a fire extinguisher. He finished the plan by jumping into the Gulf, where deputies tased him. He left two handguns in the SUV.
NOBEL PRIZES GIVEN OUT FOR SPLASHPROOF URINAL AND NOSE-BLOWING STUDY
The 2026 Ig Nobels went out in Zurich, and the economics prize went to the study proving upper-class people take more candy from a bowl meant for children. There is also a splash-free urinal, cockroach milk with three times the energy of cow milk, and a mosquito's mouth used as a 3D printer nozzle. Real research, real
MAINE POLICE CONCLUDE BIGFOOT IS NOT REAL AFTER SITTING DOWN WITH HIM ON MAIN STREET
A coastal Maine town called the cops about half a dozen times on a Sasquatch walking down Main Street. It was a man in a costume, an officer sat down and had a nice chat with him, and nobody got charged. The police department's Facebook post about it is genuinely funnier than most of what we do here.
TUCSON REALTOR GETS DUCT-TAPED TO HIS OWN FIRST-CLASS SEAT, LOSES THE JOB TOO
A Dallas to Newark flight ended up in Baltimore Thursday night after a 67-year-old realtor allegedly went off in first class. The crew handed duct tape and zip ties to three passengers, one of them a retired cop, and they taped him to his seat. He's charged, he's out on his own recognizance, and TMZ says his firm alrea
$70,000 WORTH OF BEER STOLEN IN WHAT EXPERTS CALL, AN ELITE USE OF FREE WILL
Someone showed up at an Anheuser-Busch warehouse in Montclair, California with fake subcontractor paperwork and drove off with 40,000 pounds of Pabst. Pabst responded on Instagram with a countdown clock and a no-questions-asked amnesty offer. Then Montclair police had to correct their own victim on the internet.