MAINE POLICE CONCLUDE BIGFOOT IS NOT REAL AFTER SITTING DOWN WITH HIM ON MAIN STREET

Last Tuesday in Damariscotta, Maine, the police department got hit with a wave of calls about a tall hairy something strolling around town. About a half dozen calls came in reporting a Bigfoot or Sasquatch-like figure walking around town. He was on Main Street, and he also turned up at the local school during morning drop-off on the first day of classes. First day of school, new backpack, and a Bigfoot in the pickup line. Officer William Smith found the creature sitting peacefully on Main Street, and instead of arresting him for what the department called being "suspiciously hairy," he sat down and had a conversation. The man was a Maine resident who some locals already recognized from a past TV appearance. No crime, no charges, and his motives stayed unclear. Some people called the cops. Others stopped to take pictures, including while the officer was talking to him. Then Chief Erik Josephson wrote the incident up on Facebook and buried every PIO in America. After a "lengthy, exhaustive, and completely serious investigation," the department concluded Bigfoot is not real, and admitted some members had been quietly hoping for something that would finally make national news. It signed off with "Case closed," noting Bigfoot remains at large as long as he puts the costume back on.

Why you should give a shit: A guy in a gorilla suit drew half a dozen panic calls and got a sidewalk chat instead of cuffs, which is the rarest thing in the story: cops handling a weird-looking stranger by asking him what he was up to.