$70,000 WORTH OF BEER STOLEN IN WHAT EXPERTS CALL, AN ELITE USE OF FREE WILL

On Aug. 17, someone rolled up to the Anheuser-Busch distribution center on Brooks Street in Montclair, California, handed over subcontractor paperwork that police say was fraudulent, and drove off with about $25,000 in Anheuser-Busch and Pabst product. An hour earlier, a $45,000 shipment left the same building bound for Tucson and never arrived. Investigators think the two jobs are connected. Roughly $70,000 gone before lunch. The Pabst side of the haul came to about 40,000 pounds, which the brand itemized as 1,602 cases and just under 34,000 cans. That also includes 196 cases of nonalcoholic Old Milwaukee, so somewhere out there is a criminal cracking a cold one and getting absolutely nothing out of it. Pabst went to Instagram with "STOLEN - 40,000 lbs of beer," said it understood the urge to brag about that much PBR but wished the guy had gotten it "the honorable way," and started a clock: 18 days and 44 minutes to bring everything back, no questions asked. Fortune points out that Pabst was founded in 1844, and the company won't confirm the wink. One wrinkle. Montclair PD had to publicly correct the victim, saying "We are working this case, but no trucks were stolen." Just the cargo. Pabst kept posting MISSING TRUCK graphics anyway, and so many people assumed the heist was a marketing stunt that the brand had to insist it actually happened.

Why you should give a shit: Nobody cut a fence or picked a lock here, they brought a clipboard and a fake company name, which is how a huge share of cargo theft works now, and this time the paperwork was worth 34,000 beers.