FLORIDA MAN, 77, PISSES IN A STRANGER'S YARD WHILE STARING DOWN SECURITY CAMERA

A Bay County, Florida homeowner got the notification every camera owner dreads: motion in the backyard. She tapped it and found 77-year-old Joe Thomas Alford standing there. What follows is the part where the technology fails its one job. The homeowner reported that Alford messed with his genitals inside his pants and then urinated in her yard, and that he was staring at the camera the whole time before walking away. Most trespassers spot the little glowing eye and sprint. This guy found it, held the look, and finished his business. Deterrence requires the subject to care, and the subject did not care. The whole point of a doorbell camera is that it makes a stranger behave. You pay a couple hundred bucks plus a subscription for the privilege of being the guy with footage, and the pitch is that nobody wants to be recorded. Turns out a camera only intimidates people who are planning to be embarrassed later. He was arrested Friday and charged with indecent exposure. One upside of performing directly into a lens: the evidence portion of this case will not take long.

Why you should give a shit: Your security camera doesn't stop anything, it just records it in HD, and this woman now owns a video she can never unsee of a stranger making eye contact with her router.