NFL FINES A GUY WHO DOESN'T DRINK BEER $14,926 FOR PRETENDING TO DRINK A BEER

Kyle Juszczyk caught a pass in the third quarter against Miami, mimed drinking something, and the league mailed him a bill for $14,926. The letter informed him that his "imitation of chugging a beer constituted an offensive demonstration" and could be seen as poor taste, citing Rule 12, Section 3, Article 1. A grown man swallowed air. The NFL priced the air at fifteen grand. Here's the part the league never bothered to check. Juszczyk's nickname is Juice, fans have chanted it at him for years, and he has been doing a version of that celebration his whole run in San Francisco without a peep from anybody. He also says he doesn't drink beer, maybe five times a year in the offseason, usually because George Kittle peer pressures him. Kittle's response was to announce the team had voted to change the nickname to Beer. Juszczyk then put a container wrapped in white paper on his locker shelf with NOT BEER written on it. He wasn't the only one. Colts guard Matt Goncalves got docked $8,847 after Tyler Warren handed him the football and he pretended to pop the top off it. All of this from a league that sells beer in every stadium and runs beer ads between the whistles. Juszczyk is appealing, and he should, because Week 1 already cost him $20,033 for a helmet block in Australia.

Why you should give a shit: The NFL will sell you beer at the gate and during every ad break, then charge a teetotaler $14,926 for miming one, which tells you the celebration rules aren't about taste, they're about the invoice.